Yer Not a Eunuch, Are You?
by Arenas
Summary: What happens when Will ‘I’m Too Sexy for My Shirt’ Turner wakes up one morning and finds out that he's a eunuch? Guest appearance by Mr. Tactless himself, Captain Jack Sparrow. Rating as such because there are implied sexual themes and I'm taking no


Yer Not a Eunuch, Are You?  
  
From Mirriam-Webster Online:  
Eunuch:  
1 : a castrated man placed in charge of a harem or employed as a  
chamberlain in a palace  
  
2 : a man or boy deprived of the testes or external genitals  
  
A/N: In case you were wondering what sort of a person would do this to poor Mr. Turner, I would. What sort of a person am I? you ask. Why, a Jack Sparrow lass, o' course! Look for the Dogma (don't own Dogma, sorry) and the blooper reel (bit obscure, but I'll give you a hint, it's waaaaay at the end of the story) references and the surprise ending. It's a surprise! Don't own POTC or any of the characters, just the idea and that ain't enough to put food on me family so in actuality, I really don't own anything, savvy? Oh, I don't own 'savvy' either.  
  
Will yawned and stretched out in a languid movement, the sheet sliding down his smooth and sexy abs. It was Mr. Turner's preference to sleep in the buff, much to his fangirls' complete and absolute delight, and Jack Sparrow and fangirls' complete and utter horror. He finally shook himself awake and wrapped the sheets low about his waist (We're not gonna' leave much to the imagination, folks. We're coverin' every base. ^_- ). He made it to the bathroom in a blissful stupor and went about his usual maintenance. The trouble first arose when he wanted to slip out of his nightwear and dawn something a bit more appropriate. It was the belting of the trousers that gave him the most trouble.  
  
"Holy $#^%!" he yelled upon realization of why his pants were rather loose that morning. His family jewels (you know the ones)! They were gone! He was as sterile as a vasectomy patient! What crazy Captain Jack had inquired about time and again had come to pass. He was a *gasp!* EUNUCH!  
  
Who could he turn to in his time of great need? Elizabeth would pity him, Norrington would laugh in his face, and Governor Swann would just stare at him with a clueless expression on his face. What Will needed was a real man to help him, someone who understood the mindset of the eunuch and could help him out the best. He needed Captain Jack. It was Will's extremely good fortune that Jack had decided to land in Port Royal for a bit to see the gang again. Will gritted his teeth, belted his pants extra tight, and set off in a stiff manner to where the Black Pearl was moored.  
  
"Jack! Jack you've gotta' help me, buddy! Wake up!" Will was pounding on the door to the Captain's quarters with the urgency of Chicken Little finding out the sky is falling.  
  
"Whadduya want, can't ye' see I'm tryin' te' get some shut eye? Oh. William. it's you. What're ye' doin' on me bloody boat this early in the mornin'?" Jack Sparrow growled.  
  
"You have to help me, Jack! I've got to speak with you in private," Will pleaded, turning his big, brown, puppy dog eyes on the cranky Captain. It was enough to make Jack puke, but it did the trick and gained Will admittance to the spacious room.  
  
"I'd ask ye' te' make yerself comf'table, but I see, ye' already 'ave. What in the name of all that's good. rum. has got ye' so worked up, mate?" Jack blinked bleary eyes to try and wake up more fully. Instead of wasting Jack's precious time with such drivel as he is able speak, Will dropped his drawers and presented his missing assets to the captain. Jack's eyes narrowed as he tried to force his rum befuddled mind into realizing what was wrong with the picture. Once that was done and out of the way, Jack threw back hid head and began laughing.  
  
"Will. yer. haHA!!! Yer a. a. HA!!! A EUNUCH!!!" Jack was chortling loud enough for a curious crewmember to peer in to see if his captain was not a bit touched in the head. Seeing William Turner with his pants down in his most distressed state, the man's eyes flew open and he slammed the door behind him. Poor Will was so distraught that he pulled his pants up and tried to get Jack to stop laughing his arse off.  
  
"Yer. hehe. Will, yer a eunuch! I never knew that! Why didn't ye' tell me, ye' sly dog?" Jack snickered, his laughs finally dying down in sympathy for his friend.  
  
"I never did because I never was! I just. woke up this morning. and . they weren't there!" Will started sobbing. Now it was Jack's turn to be a bit puzzled as he saw Bootstrap Bill's son bawling his eyes out before him.  
  
"Well. I guess this'll leave ye' even more time to practice yer' sword work, eh?" Jack shrugged. This did nothing for Will as he was thinking of another sword at that moment. It really only just made him cry harder.  
  
"Hey, hey, stop trying to sink me ship! It's not that bad. You've still got that lovely hat. That more than makes up for yer. lack. don't it?" Captain Jack was trying desperately to think up better and better reasons for being a eunuch, but they just weren't coming out right.  
  
"Ye've still got yer fangirls! Granted, you can't pleasure 'em, but they'll understand, won't they? That's what fangirls're for, mate!"  
  
Will just shook his head.  
  
"Well. er. you c'n be an angel! Angel's are ill-equipped!" Jack scrabbled for another pro. Will looked up, confusion in his eyes.  
  
"Where'd you hear that one?" he asked, sniffling loudly.  
  
"Er. Mr. Cotton's parrot told me. Now, c'mon, cheer up, lad. Ye've got the world ahead of you! Think of all the rum you haven't drunk, the seas ye' haven't sailed, the ladies ye' haven't met. No, not in that way ye' bloody eunuch!" Jack sighed as Will started crying again. "Listen, ye' can't be plaguing someone else with yer problems, can ye'? I've really got to set sail for Tortuga and meet an old acquaintance. Why don't ye' talk te' yer friend Norrington, I hear he's an expert on the subject," Jack promptly shooed the man out of his room and locked the door behind him. Now all Jack had to do was clean up all the tearstains in his carpet.  
  
Will wandered the streets of Port Royal alone and dejected because of his failing manhood. The one man who could have helped him was no help at all. What was a poor eunuch to do? He decided to follow Jack's parting advice and see Commodore Norrington.  
  
Upon the dropping of the pants, Norrington cracked a wide grin akin to listening to darling Elizabeth saying 'ankles all the way', fell over laughing, rolled off his balcony and into the rocky, shallow seas bellow and was never heard from again. Will Turner ran away to the faraway stretch of land Captain Jack had once been governor of and lived out the rest of his eunuch days there, unhappily ever after without his fan base.  
  
The End. 


End file.
